#4. Letter

This letter is not addressed to anyone. Whoever picks it up, please pass it aroud to those who like me or to those who I like. It's up to you.

Okay, this is my last day on earth. Weird, I don't feel anything at all.
I've always thought of death as a passage to another world - I don't have the sense of heaven, purgatory, or hell like most of my friends do - and I think I've been always right. My soul, it will just go out of my material body, and will be free forever.

Just to give you a brief backgroud of my life, I've never been number one or the best as I wished/ wanted myself to be, but I've always been the unique one of my own, and I have no regret about that. It might seem very short, 17 years, but I lived as if there will be no other day like today, and I always tried my best in everything I did. (Or at least I want to believe that I did.) I've always thought, after I came to the Philippines, I've never been the one, the exact person as I used to be before, and I hated it . Not only that, but I also hated that stupid English always made me feel stupid - hahaha, nice one. But now, looking back, I admit and tell myself that maybe that person I constantly denied to be myself was my real self; and maybe it wasn't the language but I was the real stupid one. Well, nothing matters now. I can't return to those old days and do something to make me feel better. Let them go. That's really me. At least people will remember 'smile' and 'camera' when they think of me. Not too bad.

Mom, sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I have to leave before you. I know that leaving you behind, dying before you and dad, is the greatest sin I can ever commit as a person and as your lovely daughter. Woh, not lovely anymore cuz I die before you guys? Haha, mom, that's the natural law you've always talked about. It's something you can't, and I can't change. Let us admit it, and not be too sad about it. You remember, 'If you can't avoid it, then enjoy it,'? It's kinda sad that I'll no longer be here to tell you those words, but you must know them by heart now! Haha! OH! Don't forget to go out for exercises at least three times a week. Okay? Don't forget to take your gluco... whatever thingy everyday. Your knees are getting worse. Oh, and I think Camry 3.0 is good something that isn't TOO MUCH for dad. You understand what I mean, right? I love you mom. I love you so much. Thanks for being my map, compass, bestfriend, best teacher, and best mommy of all. I don't want to see you cry. I'm still here, beside you, holding your hands. Smile:)

Dammit, I thought I won't cry, but I am crying now. God, I hate crying. I'm going to have the worst headache I've ever had very soon. I don't want to continue writing anymore for other peeps. Whoever picks this letter up, or mom, please tell dad that he's the best dad in the world. Tell him that he shouldn't feel bad for those things that he wasn't able to do for me. I had everything and only the best things I can ever have. Fine, I'll just tell him. Dad, I'm so sorry - I won't be able to go for Siberia trip. Gosh, we should have planned it earlier, right? Haha, it's okay, as I told mom, I'm always here, beside you. (I'm still with you but you can save your money for one seat!) I'll miss your 15 mins lectures every night. I loved all of them very much. Could you please tell youngman that I love him very much? Well, you and mom know how much I love him, so, I hope you guys will clarify things for youngman. I almost forgot to tell you, I love you very much, dad!!!

ARghhh, God, I cried so much, my head hurts, and now I just realized that I have like 30 mins left. Okay, I'll finish my letter. To those I wasn't able to say I love you, now I'm telling you peopol, I LOVE ALL OF YOU VERY MUCH!
(Gosh, is it necessary to really say it? I mean, dont' you feel it from my words and see it from my eyes? Ewww!)

I want a quiet, gentle, short, and easy pain death.
Nothing would change in this world even after I die, but I will be remembered by those around me, those who loved me, and that's quite enough.

Ba-bye, world, take care!



October 1. Sunday. 2006
You Kwon,

the END.

#3. WHAT WOULD IT BE?:)

IF YOU COULD ASK GOD JUST ONE QUESTION, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

If I were given a chance to ask God just one question, my question would be
"Why am I the one?"

Why am I the one who gets everything I want?
Why am I the one who is so loved by everyone around me?
Why am I the one who is so lucky?
Why am I the one to have a mom like my mom?
(Why am I the one to get the name "You"? (duh-huh))

Why am I the one?:)

I just would like to elaborate more on the second to the last question.
Why am I the one to have a mom like my mom?

Yes, my mom, she is not an ordinary mom. She absolutely is unpredictable and is so 'crazy' sometimes. (Well, sometimes lang.) However, there's something that makes her very different and unique among millions of mommies in the world.

She is my best friend, she is my best teacher ever, she is my master, and she is a guide of my life. I wouldn't have been the one who I really am now without her.

I am not that smart. I am not like those brainy girls.

I think I'm trying hard but I never make such an impressive report card and whatever

that satisfy me.

Well, I am not so smart, but I know my way. I know my way and I know where I am going. Although I am not so smart, I have a certain dream, and I am proud to say that I am already working for that dream now. I sometimes feel so inferior to smart people around me, and I get jealous of them. Fine, they are a way smarter than me. But not many of those smart girls seem to know and have their dreams, the true dreams and goals of their own, and strive for them. I feel like I'm going much faster than them with a right map and information, and this whole thing wouldn't have been possible without my mom.

In one word, she is like a compass in my life.
(Haha, I rememeber Pirates... hehe)
And I am so grateful to ask the question,

why am I the one to have a mom like my mom:)

-

And if I were given another chance to ask someone a question, hmm, let me think. Maybe I would like to ask Kofi Annan what UN really is for.

There are many things, especially bad and terrible things, happeneing around the world everyday, and most of those troubles seem to be that they must be taken care by UN while in reality, they are not. I mean, UN seems to be losing its power.
-its power to protect everyone, its power to control situations, its power to keep things in order, its power to maintain the ideal peace in he world.

For example, Mr Bush:

what kind of explanation do you need more?

I would like to ask him how he defines or describes UN

- and if that UN he just descrebed is functioning or working that way.

-

Haha, this would be really fun if only they can really happen!